In a small front room somewhere in the Scottish Highlands, Archie leaned forward in his armchair and cleared his throat. As Chair of the Animal Rights Brigade Highland Branch, it was his job to call this meeting to order.
“Right, let’s get started. First off, big thanks to Sarah for hosting and providing the coffee and biscuits.”
(Sarah, sitting on the settee, flashed a big ‘you’re welcome’ smile at the group.)
“Any apologies?”
Branch Secretary Walter Gibson shifted uncomfortably on the red leather pouffe, his knees nearly at his ears. “Amir can’t make it. He’s at the bypass protest.”
Archie frowned at his chocolate digestive. “Good for Amir, but we’re a small group. We can’t spread ourselves too thin. I was outside Dalscone Farm alone on Wednesday. The BBC’s Tina Tuttle called me ‘the loneliest sheep’s loneliest protester.’ Doesn’t help our credibility, does it?”
“We need to flock together, right Archie?” said the bearded young man next to Sarah.
Archie nodded, oblivious to the pun. “Spot on, Jonty. Okay, how are the ‘Free Fiona’ placards coming along, Wally?”
“I don’t think we should call her Fiona.”
All eyes turned toward Tilly, the mousey-haired young woman in the chair opposite Archie. She rarely spoke in meetings.
“Interesting,” said Archie. “Say more about that.”
Tilly sat up straighter. “Sheep aren’t pets. Naming her turns this into a Disney story. It robs a noble farm animal of its dignity.”
“But what do we call it then?” Sarah asked. “We can’t keep saying ‘the sheep rescued from the cliffs.’”
Archie brushed biscuit crumbs from his lap. “Tilly makes a good point. Wally, any alternative?”
Wally peered out from between his knees. “How about the Dalscone Farm Sheep?”
Archie nodded. “Gets my vote. Everyone happy?” Murmurs of agreement followed.
Tilly spoke up again. “We should challenge the media’s narrative. They claim the sheep is ‘in hiding.’ But sheep don’t hide. She’s been hidden. They’re making us the villains of this story!”
“We’re being made scapegoats?” Jonty grinned.
Silence.
“Tough crowd,” he muttered.
“Good observation, Tilly,” Archie said. “Thoughts?”
Sarah fiddled with her earring. “We could push back in our press releases. Start using the word ‘kidnapped,’ for example.”
“Oi!” Jonty spluttered through a mouthful of biscuit. “You’re stealing my jokes now!”
“I am not stealing your jokes, Jonty!” Sarah snapped. “I’m making a useful contribution, unlike your stupid puns!”
Jonty started to reply, but Archie shushed him. “Kidnapped sounds good. Wally, can you draft a press release?”
“You’re the man with the pen,” Jonty sniggered.
“You’ve used that one already,” Sarah shot back. “And it wasn’t funny the first time.”
“Now, about Saturday,” Archie continued. “They’re planning a photo op with the Dalscone Farm Sheep. We should be there. We’ll need to open the petty cash tin for the £2 entrance fee.”
“They’re fleecing us!” Jonty declared.
“Shut up, Jonty!” Sarah elbowed him.
“I can drive if anyone needs a lift,” Archie said. “Wally?”
Wally shook his head. “Supporting Amir at the bypass protest. Bailiffs might come in.”
Archie exhaled. “Sarah?”
Sarah grimaced. “My daughter’s football team has a cup match. I’m driving the minibus.”
“Tilly?”
Tilly shrunk into her chair. “I promised to picket the incinerator site.”
Archie turned to Jonty, his last hope. “Are you coming, or am I going to be left looking…”
“Sheepish?” Jonty offered.
“I was going to say alone, but thanks.”
“No problem,” Jonty grinned. “You know, Tina Tuttle really put you down when you met herbivore!” He cackled at his own joke.
“You’re such a dick, Jonty!” Sarah snapped, clearing the plates.
Jonty wiped tears from his eyes. “Come on, that was a good one!”
Archie lifted his coat. Jonty called after him. “I’m free Saturday, Archie. Can I get a lift?”
Archie turned. “No, Jonty. I can’t take any more of your stupid jokes!”
“Oh, don’t be like that!” Jonty protested. “I promise I won’t say a word!”
“Too late to bleat about it now, Jonty,” Sarah smirked.
“Sarah’s right,” Archie said, zipping his coat. “I’m kicking you out of the group. And I’m spelling that E-W-E!”
